Do Your Friends Support or Sabotage?

SUPPORT or SABOTAGE....Do you know which of your friends do which?

As a fitness and nutrition expert, I find it so frustrating when my clients tell me their family and friends keep pushing food on them when they are trying to make positive changes in their diet. For many, changing a lifetime pattern of eating is extremely difficult. It takes dedication, motivation and will power to avoid eating foods we associate with years of comfort and enjoyment. But all too often I hear stories from my clients of friends who have invited them out and pressured them into eating foods they knew were too difficult to resist, even for the most dedicated of us! Drinks, burgers, fried foods, desserts, are all disguised as "love" food when in fact, they do anything but. These foods do not love the body and the body doesn't love them. When you allow your peers to pressure you into eating foods you are trying to avoid, you are in fact giving over your own power to these "saboteurs" and allowing them to control your destiny.

Think about what your goals are. Why did you set out on this new fitness and healthy journey in the first place. You obviously want something and making a choice to say no to unhealthy choices is going to be imperative to your success. By allowing others to sabotage your goals, you are removing your own accountability and responsibility for your success and failure. Is it easier to blame someone else for your failure? That might be something you need to look at. Is this a pattern in your life? If not, then why let them?

Saying "NO" to a burger and fries isn't the end of the world. It's the beginning of a whole NEW world for you. A world of health, lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure, lower weight and even more importantly, a world where you are in control of your decisions.

Saying "NO" to drinks and heavy meals for business meetings isn't being "difficult" or "high maintenance". It's being dedicated to yourself and will inspire others to do the same. Don't you always admire someone who takes care of themselves?

And to those of you who push, pressure and sabotage your friend when they are doing something positive like changing their diet...I say this...Do you go over to your friends' house after they get their carpets cleaned and throw grape juice on their rug? NO. So, don't push your friends to eat poorly just because you don't care about your own body. Don't pressure your friend to have dessert just because you don't have any will power. Don't tease your friend for making positive changes in their lifestyle just because you are afraid to do the same. Be SUPPORTIVE and BE the friend you are meant to be. Otherwise, be prepared to be let free.

1. The "But-I-made-this-bowl-of-butter-mixed-with-cream-cheese-and-sugar-just-for-you"  Guilt Trip.

This might be a roommate, or a parent, or a grandmother, or anyone really. "You're not even going to try one of these cupcakes I spent an hour baking?"  "You're too good for my special recipe lasagna?"

How to deal: This one is tricky, because the accuser is confusing food and love. You need to convey that just because you're not eating something they cooked does not mean you are intentionally insulting them. One thing you can do is comment on how delicious the food looks, have one small bite, or grab a serving for later (not that you have to eat it, but at least it feels less like a "food rejection"). If this is someone you live with, maybe you can explain your goals and ask them to help by cooking things that are a tad more on-par with your diet.

2. The "Oh you're dieting again" remark.

"Ha, another salad?  We'll see how long this lasts."  This person belittles your efforts to get healthy.  She accuses you of taking part in fads, tries to make you feel dumb for trying.

How to deal:  Try calling them out with humor. This comment is only meant to put you down, so don't entertain it. Try something like "Come on, don't be a jerk" or "Hey now, I don't pick on your food choices."

3. The "Extremism/Eating Disorder" accusation.

"Is one cookie REALLY going to make you fat?"  This person accuses you of being "extreme" for trying to change your habits.  Eating disorders are a serious matter, but take note: If someone is genuinely concerned about you, why would they throw out a flippant off-handed comment? " Oh, are you going anarexy  today?"  "Just a salad?  Do you have a problem?"  These are comments meant to hurt, not help.

How to deal:  Call them out on this. "Listen, I know you mean well [even if you don't believe this...] but I'm trying to change my eating habits by eating heathy; I don't pass judgment on your eating, please don't pass judgment on mine."

**However, if a friend comes to you about this and is actually concerned, take a good look at what you're eating. If you are following a too-extreme diet, don't shun friends who are trying to help; if you are following a healthy diet, explain this to your concerned friend.

4. The "Try-and-Break-Your-Resolve" temptation.

This person takes joy in tempting you to eat things he knows you're trying to avoid. When you succumb, it makes him feel better about his own lack of control.

How to deal: Try to get the friend to be on your team. This person obviously likes a challenge, so maybe you can use that "challenge" attitude to your advantage.  If you admit that you're tempted by the things your friend is eating or waving in front of your face, the game loses its fun.  "Ugh, I really want a bite of that cupcake but you know I'm trying to avoid sweets... would you mind eating in another room (pretty please?)"

5. Social guilting.

"You really have to work out right now?" This comes from someone who is eager for your company. On the one hand, this person wants to spend time with you (who can fault them for that? You're awesome) but on the other hand, this quilting will hurt your relationship long term.  If you give in and hang out instead of going to the gym, you'll feel bad about yourself, and gradually you may associate the person with those feelings.

How to deal: Explain that you'll be much more fun to hang out with once you get your workout in.  Exercise is a brain-refresher and makes us much more pleasant to be around! And remember that you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

6. The "We-Have-to-Celebrate-This-Trivial-Thing-With-Food" comment.

"Come on... it's Friday! Come on... it's the first day of spring! Come on... you had a rough day!" This person probably makes a big appearance at happy hours. It's hard not to be swayed because she's so... happy!

How to deal: This person may not have bad intentions - she's just an over-celebrater.  Just tell her that you're trying not to celebrate too much until you reach some of your health goals.  Or, suggest another kind of celebration, like going to a fun pre-game fitness class together or shopping for a new workout top.   Better yet, celebrate a beautiful day by going on a beautiful Hike!  There will always be "celebrations" so keep in mind that your goal is a milestone that will be far worth celebrating than the fact that it's Friday. 

7. The allegation of snobbery.

"What's for lunch today, organic kale chips and cruelty free quinoa?  Hipster."  When you change your habits, some friends can feel threatened. Others may feel judged - as though your salad across the table is a silent judgment of their cheeseburger.

How to deal: Remember that there is nothing wrong with trying new foods; why is this person making you feel bad about it? Ask if they've ever tried the items they're so critical of, or offer a taste. If this doesn't work, ask why your food choices bother them. This question might make them feel silly and realize how shallow the comments are.

8. The "You've Changed" dig.

Related to #7, people are scared of change. When you start eating differently, or working out, or changing your habits - this is a change in basic behaviors.  Your friends might get scared that these changes indicate that you are fundamentally changing as a person. And as you re-prioritize your life... maybe you are!

How to deal:  Ask the friend how it is that you've changed, and analyze their answers. If the answer has to do with your eating or exercise habits, ask them how those things effect them. Maybe you used to sit for hours on the couch eating Cheetos together. In that case, you're going to have to find new things to enjoy together... or you're going to have to find some new friends.

All in all

At the end of the day, you need to realize this:  When a friend acts threatened by your healthy lifestyle change, it's about them, not you. Something about seeing you make an effort to improve yourself may make them uncomfortable with their own habits, or scared that you're becoming something else just because you're not eating cookie dough from the can anymore.

With every one of the cases above, you have three options:

1.            Ignore. We don't recommend this option, because no matter how hard you try, these kinds of comments can really wear down on a person over time. It's much easier to make changes when the people around you are supporting you.

2.            Talk. Let them know why you're doing this, that it has nothing to do with them - you're making an effort to prioritize your heath. It doesn't mean you love them less.

3.            Evaluate.   If there are still issues, think about why. Is this person a negative influence in your life? If they're belittling your efforts to be healthy, are they belittling you in other parts of your life? Why are they still around in your life?  Hmmmm....

Readers....What experience have YOU had with saboteurs?  Leave your comments below.  We want to hear the things your friends (or non-friends) say to you!

-Credit:  blog.rateyourburn.com